The narcissist cyclic web

I see…patterns, and cycles which repeat themselves, are likely to continue doing so.

I made a choice not to get spun around in another loop around the track.

In the last year, my confidence took a swan dive, but I found a route back.

It started off mildly enough. They’ll lean in as if they’re listening to you, but really, they’re just intensely studying the myriad of ways they can make you believe that their presence in your life can solve all of your problems. My father is a master manipulator. He knows when to charm, and when to be vulnerable enough for you to drop your guard. Truthfully, he never shares anything that’s truly personal. If you really take stock, you’ll hear the same 5 stories on repeat. They’re on cue, you see. They’re his ‘story’ and he’s sticking to it. This is the Oscar-winning version of his life narrative, that will make you consider him endearing enough to believe the lies scattered amidst the truth.

It helps me to see why I was so prone to believe their tale. It took me years before I could separate myself from the narrative that my father had spun around me, with me inside, as a part of the character that he had carefully pieced together. I was never present for my own sake, but rather to promote the facade that worked along with his self-image.

I have now had every type of narcissist in my life. I asked myself today, what are the odds of this? Quite high, actually. My own psychology was primed for being accessible to theirs. I have only now seen the connection. There has always been a direct line between how my father viewed and treated me, and how I viewed myself, and allowed others to view and treat me. Manipulation had been so normalized that I did not learn how to defend myself against it. Even as I write this, I still doubt myself, saying, no, I am the crazy one. He is fine, but, me, I am the crazy one. I wish I could wish it away so lightly. I can’t. It is a self-serving psychology that will make him twist truth, perform (well, act, really), and invalidate any version of me or the truth that combats his own self-image. This is done with the charm of a genie, alluring and ever so subtle.

I had to come to terms with the fullness of being both genders, so I gave each of them their own moment to shine. As a woman, I had never understood the shame, disdain and discomfort I felt because of what I was called…woman. I had to embrace all that was woman, and get to the root of these feelings. It was at the core of this period of uncertainty, that the first exploitative relationship occurred…my first battle with narcissistic abuse as a self-aware adult. Fortunately, I got out of it within a short enough timeframe, but there were still threads of the pattern quilted to my soul.

Within the last year and half, I experienced another bout, in the valley of my decision to call out the man in me. Instead of continuing to keep him silently skulking in the shadows of my psyche, I chose to free him…to be seen, outside. I thought it would have meant just a few rainy days, but instead it was a torrential downpour of microaggressions, projection, invalidation, and being emotionally sidelined.

At these formative points, where I was the most vulnerable, I was also more receptive to the inroads that manipulators and narcissists often take to latch onto me. It isn’t my fault that people can be deliberately unkind, unempathetic and selfish toward others. However, it IS my fault if I allow them to have access to my mind, body and emotions that they shouldn’t have.

No part of me could survive without disciplined boundaries…neither the man, nor the woman. I had to begin to ACT firmly, decisively and without doubt whenever I was confronted with manipulative tactics from others. I had to believe myself, my experience, and act accordingly.

I want to leave you with some resources if you feel like you have dealt with or are currently dealing with a narcissist. Firstly, let’s get a definition in place. There is a difference between pathological narcissism and people who are self-absorbed. It’s not the same. So, to be clear, I’m referring to someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.

If you feel like you are in a relationship with someone like that, these are resources that helped me -> Dr. Ramani on YouTube, and there is this book also, which is a short but brilliant read that works you through and out of it.

#janberry #fruitofdivine #writing #author #creativeprose #hybridhumans #hyxh #selflove #healing #knowthyself #lovingself #peace #joy #soul #spirit #soul #evolve #evolving #sexuality #spirituality #duality #theinsidestory #genderidentity #genderexpression #gender #masculinity #femininity

No. A complete sentence.

No. A complete sentence, from a recovered people-pleaser.

I recently had an old client reach out to me with a 4-page letter demanding a refund. I was surprised at first, then angered. Once I had processed it, and ran it through a filter of objectivity and clarity, I responded. I had not bothered to read the 4-page letter, but the subject of the email and the introduction to the letter was enough to respond to. The letter itself would have only been filled with emotional posturing and illogical reasoning. There was nothing (not even one thing) that had given grounds for a refund. As such, their letter was just the lengthy act of them choosing to NOT take responsibility for their situation, but rather redirect that responsibility to someone else.

The timing was perfect. I recently concluded reading the book, ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck.’, and it changed my outlook on boundaries – particularly as it relates to responsibility. Truly asking myself, “Is this my problem?” (and this is looking at both sides, whether I am the cause or someone else is).

In this instance, no, it isn’t my problem, and it never was.

However, the book also helped me to shed light on the ways in which I could have taken more responsibility for myself and my own actions, in general, not as it pertains to the aforementioned situation.

Even before the client’s letter, I realised that I too, had done a lot of what they had chosen to do. I had not taken responsibility for the role I had played in the disappointing outcomes in my past relationships or projects. So many times before, I had also written long letters and messages, which like this client, had done, blamed them, without realising how I had contributed to where I was.

I had to both look at the ways I could take responsibility for things occurring to me, as well as draw hard lines around those things which were NOT my fault.

Both take crucial amounts of strength, honesty and confidence.

My response to the old client was simply, “No”…an affirmative, unwavering, line-drawing No. This started a chain of events, because “No” does not need an explanation. I have always been so concerned with what people understand, about if and when I say, “No”.

Whatever is or is not understood about my “No” is not my responsibility. You know what is? My responsibility is answering the question, “what do *I* understand about this?” From within my world view, how can I be honest with myself about my own needs or about the ways in which I am not being direct. When I fix myself in this way, “No” becomes easier. I have done those things that are in *my* power to do, and those things which are *my* responsibility. Hence, I cannot give a fuck about those things which are not in *my* power. When I simplify it to this level, the answer is easy. “No.”

That 4-page letter, though unread, was an opportunity to decide whether I would continue being a ‘recovering people-pleaser’ or if I would position myself as a ‘recovered people-pleaser’. I chose full-recovery, and I’m walking it out.

#janberry #fruitofdivine #writing #author #creativeprose #hybridhumans #hyxh #selflove #healing #knowthyself #lovingself #peace #joy #soul #spirit #soul #evolve #evolving #sexuality #spirituality #duality #theinsidestory #genderidentity #genderexpression #gender #masculinity #femininity

Reflections

Transcript of audio:
We are mirror reflections for each other, but for some of us, we are only willing to clean our mirrors to the extent that we can retain the illusions that stare back at us.

Honesty is gritty work.

And..I’ve experienced that, the more clearly and purely you are able to be honest with yourself is the more that you will remove an impurity that is keeping you from seeing a proper reflection of yourself..a continued reflection of yourself.

Caption:
You are already every wonderful thing that you are meant to be. When you don’t see it, you operate in the reality of who you believe you are. This disbelief is a smudge on your mirror. The action of becoming greater is not about adding anything..it’s about removing the smudges so that you see yourself, and hence operate from that view, instead of the cloudy one behind the smudges..

Honesty with oneself removes smudges… Keep at it, because I want to see you clearer too..

You are so beautiful.

#janberry #fruitofdivine #writing #author #creativeprose #hybridhumans #hyxh #selflove #healing #knowthyself #lovingself #peace #joy #soul #spirit #soul #evolve #evolving #sexuality #spirituality #duality #theinsidestory #genderidentity #genderexpression #gender #masculinity #femininity

Your evolution is not a ‘nothing’

When you’re neck-deep in whatever it is..it can be challenging to see things clearly.

Last year was a rough year for me. At the same time though, every time I would clear a hurdle, the line between the lifestyle I want and my diligent efforts to attain it would get shorter and shorter.

Two things occur to me much more clearly now that I want to share.

1. If you have a general outlook on life that you don’t know everything and you often take a stance of being willing to learn from others, it could be easy for them to mistake the fact that you don’t know something about a thing to mean that you don’t know nothing about nothing. If they lean towards the model of humanness where people pretend that they have everything all figured out all the time, then they will internalize you from that standpoint. They might fail to see your growth because they don’t see doubt, uncertainty and a lack of confidence as a growth phase. They see it more like an attitude that indicates that you will never know because you don’t already act like you know. That made sense, right?

2. The second is this. In my last post I spoke about holding firm in your vision for yourself and never giving up. With a growth mindset like I describe above, that can also make you feel like you’ll never get where you want to be…You keep blaming yourself for every attempt you ‘fail’. There is a healthier way that I’ve discovered to look at the things that didn’t quite go like you hoped, and it’s this. I intentionally set out to do something but of course I have my own ideas about how that will happen. I start off with confidence in the wrong things and don’t realise the ways that I am in my own way. I’ll be shaken by confrontations and critiques that feel very crushing, whether they are done directly or indirectly. Thing is, I’m the one that set these crushing and defeating experiences to happen. They were what I needed in order to help me get to my intended destination or milestone, I just didn’t know it when I started..2021 was a hard but loving slap in the face. It stung in all the right places.

I took responsibility, not just for my responses, but also for the fact that those loving slaps were orchestrated to help me to get to where I want to be, because I continued to be intentional about that, regardless of how hopeless it looked at the time. 

This boils down to perspective, yea..on the ways people look at you but more importantly, the way that you look at yourself. The frequency changes that occur by you changing the things you believe about yourself and what you need and deserve in this life have the inherent capacity to change how people view you as well. Ultimately, though, that’s not your business. Refine the image of yourself, for yourself…and the reflections of that around you will continuously and drastically grow and improve.

never never never give up

Now that HyxH is postponed in launching publicly (see last post), it’s back to the regular posts on here for now. Bear with me, I just want to share something with ya.

I’ve got to a climax, a resting place that I’ve been fighting to get to for the last 5 years. When I decided, at the beginning of 2016 to shift gears…hard, I couldn’t have fathomed everything that the journey would involve, but I knew that no matter what, I’d stick to the main choice..prioritizing the sovereignty of my soul, my mental health, personal growth and prosperity in every way.

Looking at my path from the outside in, it would have seemed scattered and devoid of clear direction. For me, the starting point was realising that although I was disciplined, diligent, and genuine, my life was not a happy one.

So, I started dismantling…I had to unravel and unpack, and this can, oftentimes, seem counterproductive… directionless.

Getting to the root of things can feel like wasted, and misaligned energy when the current states are still a result of the past, instead of the outcome of new choices and new pathways.

In the reformulation of yourself, to some, and even to your very self, it will look like a bleak and hapless road. So many times, I thought to myself that I’m heading nowhere and I should just stop because I’m tired. At those times, I would take my moment, or my day of despairing and then continue pushing on.

What I’m wanting to remind you (and myself 🙂) about here is that there is a compounding effect of making better habits, and giving oneself over to those better thoughts and choices. It’s adding up in the cosmos. Even when you only see minuses in front of you, it’s adding up.

Don’t give up.

Once you don’t give up, you will grow and the new pathways will slowly give way to elevations..in your mind, in your heart, and in your circumstances..

Just, please…never never never give up!

High X is born

A baby takes 6 – 9 months to form, and even once out of the womb, there are many phases of growth and development. Can we un-pack ‘instant’? Can we release the NOW of personal power?

It is a journey, more has to be un-packed, than added. It is mostly about deleting programs and less about adding subroutines. You are already everything you are, and you are growing into revealing it. If you are not aware of all that you already are, you will be stuck and this is also a process of devolution.

Whether you are growing up or going down, it is taking its cool time. Be patient, with yourself and with others.

HyxH is patient with evolution.

Follow @hyxh.lifestyle on Instagram for the drippety drip drops..

#hybrxdhumans #hybridhumans #hyxh #hyxhlifestyle #beinghuman

Hi! I’m JanBerry

Hello! 👋🏾 Jan here, and I am a creative and author from Trinidad, in the Caribbean..the Carib-beeeean, according to Kermit..🐸 It’s okay, if you didn’t catch that. 🤦🏾‍♂️

I wanted to introduce/re-introduce myself. I’ve been soap-boxing on here for a little while now. I really really love to write, and though I don’t really have a main topic, my books tend to center around de-compositing gender. Mostly, I just share about life in general on here, and I do that because we just hear so many platitudes bouncing around, and I wish that more often we could see and read stories that ground these ideas and principles into real life actions..

I think external advice really only holds when it’s being confirmed by your inner voice, so getting clarity on what that voice is saying is super important. So that’s one of my main things, you know, that ‘inside story’…what’s YOUR story?! Pressing boldly into my own story and personal evolution continues to come with a lot of gritty stuff. It’s not easy to be honest. It’s challenging but I embrace it, and what it tends to mean is that today’s version of me may not be tomorrow’s version. Though the core of me remains unchanged, I am continuously evolving. I just find that to be such a beautiful thing…change.

I have this persistent idea that none of us are (or are meant to be) polarized. Though gender might be my area of exploration and curiosity, I think we could all benefit from unboxing ourselves from a binary view of ourselves in all areas of our lives… By binary, I mean seeing one’s self as ‘this’ or ‘that’ versus both/and. Duality. And that’s my second main idea, which I’ve translated into something visual. Hybrid Humans.. HyxH…y and x represent the chromosomes that humans are made up of, and H for well, human, lol.

📸: @elliot.francois.fotography

Love these Walls Down

I released a dub single in 2019, “Love these Walls Down”.

..my voice is no longer as light and high pitched as heard in the song though.

It’s deeper now and has gotten a bit of a husky texture to it.

I laugh harder.

I speak louder.

I haven’t tackled singing anything.. honestly I haven’t quite figured out to use this voice for that..😂 and I don’t think it’s settled in it’s place fully yet, because it continues to deepen notch by notch..and sometimes, it even cracks..

So what do you call that..voice in progress? 🤔🤔

Anyhoo..to listen and/or buy the song, search Janberry on Apple Music. The song title is Love these Walls Down and it costs $0.99 US.

#androgenization #testosterone #selflove #healingself #beingself #being #hybridhuman #dub #scratchperryinspired #dubsingle #dubmusic #transitional

Me and my awesomeness

I am AWESOME.

Yes, with fuckin capitals.

..and the fact that I don’t say it often enough have got some people out here confused. We..meaning, my awesomeness and I need to let it be more clearly and frequently stated.

The more I set boundaries is the more I see how little value I held in some people’s eyes..as a business-owner, a professional, a human..

But..meh, my fault…they gonna know now though..

..and WE still saying less.. we, meaning..yea, you get it..

Okay. Rant over. Bye.

A Human Experience

“I don’t need you to understand me, I just need you to believe that I’m having a human experience.”
~ Daphne Dorman

I watched a Dave Chapelle comedy special over the weekend (The Closer) and it was brilliant. I especially loved the story he gave about Daphne Dorman. The quote above and the video clip don’t do much for you until you see it yourself but I can tell you what I found remarkable.

Good comedy makes you laugh..hard..you might even snort..And it’s usually funniest when it’s true..when you can find humor in the irony and contradictions that we are presented with from day to day..

Chapelle gave a story about a woman he gave the opening spot to, at one of his shows. She was transgender and he relays the development of their friendship. In response to him telling her that he didn’t understand her, she said something poignant..

She said..”I don’t need you to understand me, I just need you to believe that I’m having a human experience.”
~ Daphne Dorman

For myself, I can extend that to say..for you to believe that even though my reality doesn’t look like yours, it doesn’t make it a mistake.

And this isn’t a general splash across the page because let us not kid ourselves, it is oftentimes very clear when people are genuine versus when they are on tomfoolery.. (yes?) I’m saying that to say, for people that you know are giving it to you straight..(no pun intended)..you don’t HAVE to understand them.. You don’t…but what would be gracious is if you can appreciate that THEIR existence is not invalidated by YOUR experience and existence.

We are all human…and it would be so much more human if we didn’t lift one form of humanness above other forms.

The last post in the carousel above is a message I received last year, that I return to periodically..I come back to it, always with gratitude.. I am grateful that I valued MYSELF..enough to grow and heal and embody the parts of myself that even I, had viewed before as a mistake.

‘The Inside Story’ book and the ‘Hybrid Humans’ brand are my creative ways to say..My inside story is true and valid and I am human. I am not a mistake. No-one is..

#hybridhumans #thecloser #daphnedorman #theinsidestory