The narcissist cyclic web

I see…patterns, and cycles which repeat themselves, are likely to continue doing so.

I made a choice not to get spun around in another loop around the track.

In the last year, my confidence took a swan dive, but I found a route back.

It started off mildly enough. They’ll lean in as if they’re listening to you, but really, they’re just intensely studying the myriad of ways they can make you believe that their presence in your life can solve all of your problems. My father is a master manipulator. He knows when to charm, and when to be vulnerable enough for you to drop your guard. Truthfully, he never shares anything that’s truly personal. If you really take stock, you’ll hear the same 5 stories on repeat. They’re on cue, you see. They’re his ‘story’ and he’s sticking to it. This is the Oscar-winning version of his life narrative, that will make you consider him endearing enough to believe the lies scattered amidst the truth.

It helps me to see why I was so prone to believe their tale. It took me years before I could separate myself from the narrative that my father had spun around me, with me inside, as a part of the character that he had carefully pieced together. I was never present for my own sake, but rather to promote the facade that worked along with his self-image.

I have now had every type of narcissist in my life. I asked myself today, what are the odds of this? Quite high, actually. My own psychology was primed for being accessible to theirs. I have only now seen the connection. There has always been a direct line between how my father viewed and treated me, and how I viewed myself, and allowed others to view and treat me. Manipulation had been so normalized that I did not learn how to defend myself against it. Even as I write this, I still doubt myself, saying, no, I am the crazy one. He is fine, but, me, I am the crazy one. I wish I could wish it away so lightly. I can’t. It is a self-serving psychology that will make him twist truth, perform (well, act, really), and invalidate any version of me or the truth that combats his own self-image. This is done with the charm of a genie, alluring and ever so subtle.

I had to come to terms with the fullness of being both genders, so I gave each of them their own moment to shine. As a woman, I had never understood the shame, disdain and discomfort I felt because of what I was called…woman. I had to embrace all that was woman, and get to the root of these feelings. It was at the core of this period of uncertainty, that the first exploitative relationship occurred…my first battle with narcissistic abuse as a self-aware adult. Fortunately, I got out of it within a short enough timeframe, but there were still threads of the pattern quilted to my soul.

Within the last year and half, I experienced another bout, in the valley of my decision to call out the man in me. Instead of continuing to keep him silently skulking in the shadows of my psyche, I chose to free him…to be seen, outside. I thought it would have meant just a few rainy days, but instead it was a torrential downpour of microaggressions, projection, invalidation, and being emotionally sidelined.

At these formative points, where I was the most vulnerable, I was also more receptive to the inroads that manipulators and narcissists often take to latch onto me. It isn’t my fault that people can be deliberately unkind, unempathetic and selfish toward others. However, it IS my fault if I allow them to have access to my mind, body and emotions that they shouldn’t have.

No part of me could survive without disciplined boundaries…neither the man, nor the woman. I had to begin to ACT firmly, decisively and without doubt whenever I was confronted with manipulative tactics from others. I had to believe myself, my experience, and act accordingly.

I want to leave you with some resources if you feel like you have dealt with or are currently dealing with a narcissist. Firstly, let’s get a definition in place. There is a difference between pathological narcissism and people who are self-absorbed. It’s not the same. So, to be clear, I’m referring to someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.

If you feel like you are in a relationship with someone like that, these are resources that helped me -> Dr. Ramani on YouTube, and there is this book also, which is a short but brilliant read that works you through and out of it.

#janberry #fruitofdivine #writing #author #creativeprose #hybridhumans #hyxh #selflove #healing #knowthyself #lovingself #peace #joy #soul #spirit #soul #evolve #evolving #sexuality #spirituality #duality #theinsidestory #genderidentity #genderexpression #gender #masculinity #femininity

Discipline amidst the Dysphoria = Dissonance

“Walk on water”, she said, and as I exorcise these demons of distortion, a phrase came to me, ‘Discipline amidst the dysphoria equals Dissonance.”

A client sent me a free ticket to a Virtual Conference on Digital Technologies. She said she had a free ticket and she thought of me because of the newsletters that I send out. As part helpfulness, and part self-promotion, I send my clients newsletters. I usually do them in series, when I want to share a specific theme of information. On the day I decided to start the last series that I did, I was having a day much like this one. A ‘woe-be-me’ day, a ‘nothing-is-going-as-I-hoped’ day.. These are the days when I feel dissonance – when I am working daily, and the fruit is not yet in front of my eye, but I am still toiling, because discipline produces fruit, so the work continues. Her free ticket is a seed, if not a fruit, but I almost declined the free ticket, until I realised that these are the reasons I work. I work to continuously adjust my positioning – this conference will help with that, so why say ‘No’…out of self-pity?

My business is on a great upswing, but once again, it is because of the work I am putting in and not because of the fruit that I am seeing. There are challenges in this mode of operation – one being that you can feel at odds with the discipline. You can feel so far from where you are walking toward, that you tell yourself that staying in this place might not be so bad. You can’t see the shoreline you left and you can’t see the shoreline you are heading toward.

At the end of our conversation, which was a lot of me explaining all the reasons that I cannot and should not take time out of my day to attend a conference when I am pushing hard to finish work and get paid for it, she simply said, “Thank you for taking the plunge despite how you feel.”

“Walk on water.”

And she left me with that.

The dysphoria comes from my morning glance into the mirror – seeing myself 6 pounds lighter than 3 weeks ago. All the eating and weight gain had pushed me into a softness, a thickness that in a lot of ways still feels very feminine and thus, very uncomfortable. I think subconsciously I rejected the weight gain and pushing through it became scary, because again, I can’t see the shoreline that I left, and I can’t see the one I’m moving toward. In the middle of what seems like nowhere, on the heels of discipline, I am only seeing fog.

I no longer look like the image in the picture. To a body type like mine, 6 pounds is a lot. However, to a business like mine, a free ticket to a virtual digital conference is also a lot.

‘Walk on water,’ she said.

I will.

I will.

Growth is embarrassing

Think of losing your front tooth at age 6 or so, and having to go to school the next day with a big gap in your smile, with the other children laughing at you.

Your new and permanent tooth will replace it soon but in that moment, you either wish to stop going to school altogether or stop smiling.

Growth is embarrassing.

And if you want to grow, there’ll be times when you want to hide from the world because you are ‘under construction’. . I’ve been embarrassed so many times, I think my shame button is broken.

I’ve been particularly embarrassed by women as I learn and grow in my sexuality, as even that too evolves… learning who I am by figuring out who I am NOT.

Nobody wants to walk around grinning for people to see their tooth that fell out..but, I don’t see any other way to get a new tooth. Do you??!!

What is the HARD WORK?

So I asked myself, what is the HARD WORK? To me, there is so much that needs to go behind the excellence which brings about progressive growth…and it‘s the work that seems unimportant and ‘airy-fairy’ but it’s the substance that breaks you into new levels of self and shapes your character for success.

– JM™

Little Bird

“You’ve changed little bird.” – Sandor Clegane

“Without Little Finger and Ramsey and all the rest, I would have stayed a little bird all my life.” – Sansa Stark
– Game of Thrones Season 8 Episode 4

I’ll not write a long diatribe about all the mean things I’ve had done to me in my life as they’re not the point of this post and they’re so negative anyway. I’m all for the good vibes only and I don’t have to give you bad stories to talk about the good growth they brought about.

The POINT of this post is how fiercely resolved, grateful and empathetic it’s all made me. Every painful or hurtful experience has helped me see myself more clearly. I may have reacted negatively myself. I may have dragged myself to the interaction because of unhealthy boundaries…ignoring red flags…saying “Yes” when I really needed to say “No”. In some cases, it had absolutely nothing to do with me. In those cases, my confidence and self love grew because I learnt to detach the bullshit people did to me from my value as a person. I learnt this important equation —> What people do to me IS NOT EQUAL TO my value.

I love that conversation between Clegane and Sansa so much. I’ve spent most of my life like Sansa in Season 1 of Game of Thrones: innocent and believing that people always had my best interest at heart. You know what though..all the people who broke my trusting heart made me better.

I remember reading two books back to back on becoming a bitch…who knew there were even books teaching you how to be a bitch?! But being a bitch for me meant being strong and being wise enough to set boundaries, obey red flags, say No and mean it and LOVE myself FIRST so that I could LOVE others in the most meaningful way, with my heart FULL instead of EMPTY.

Here’s to little birds flying out of the nest..the best is yet to come! 🦅🦅🦅

#gameofthroneslessons#gameofthrones #got #selflove#transformation #metamorphosis#digitalnomad #compassion #growth#intuition #empathy #love #freedom#healthyboundaries

growing pain

Only now growing up socially…

worse things have happened.

failing forward. inertia dragging my emotions along.
age means nothing anymore,
and I have to accept that,
painful like teeth emerging.
Tooth fairy, spare me a dollar nah?
I’ll pay it back, just let me move forward painlessly.
harder on myself than anyone will ever be,
even still, the warrior way is not…painlessly.

– janberry. © 29 mar 2017. 12.16pm.