The narcissist cyclic web

I see…patterns, and cycles which repeat themselves, are likely to continue doing so.

I made a choice not to get spun around in another loop around the track.

In the last year, my confidence took a swan dive, but I found a route back.

It started off mildly enough. They’ll lean in as if they’re listening to you, but really, they’re just intensely studying the myriad of ways they can make you believe that their presence in your life can solve all of your problems. My father is a master manipulator. He knows when to charm, and when to be vulnerable enough for you to drop your guard. Truthfully, he never shares anything that’s truly personal. If you really take stock, you’ll hear the same 5 stories on repeat. They’re on cue, you see. They’re his ‘story’ and he’s sticking to it. This is the Oscar-winning version of his life narrative, that will make you consider him endearing enough to believe the lies scattered amidst the truth.

It helps me to see why I was so prone to believe their tale. It took me years before I could separate myself from the narrative that my father had spun around me, with me inside, as a part of the character that he had carefully pieced together. I was never present for my own sake, but rather to promote the facade that worked along with his self-image.

I have now had every type of narcissist in my life. I asked myself today, what are the odds of this? Quite high, actually. My own psychology was primed for being accessible to theirs. I have only now seen the connection. There has always been a direct line between how my father viewed and treated me, and how I viewed myself, and allowed others to view and treat me. Manipulation had been so normalized that I did not learn how to defend myself against it. Even as I write this, I still doubt myself, saying, no, I am the crazy one. He is fine, but, me, I am the crazy one. I wish I could wish it away so lightly. I can’t. It is a self-serving psychology that will make him twist truth, perform (well, act, really), and invalidate any version of me or the truth that combats his own self-image. This is done with the charm of a genie, alluring and ever so subtle.

I had to come to terms with the fullness of being both genders, so I gave each of them their own moment to shine. As a woman, I had never understood the shame, disdain and discomfort I felt because of what I was called…woman. I had to embrace all that was woman, and get to the root of these feelings. It was at the core of this period of uncertainty, that the first exploitative relationship occurred…my first battle with narcissistic abuse as a self-aware adult. Fortunately, I got out of it within a short enough timeframe, but there were still threads of the pattern quilted to my soul.

Within the last year and half, I experienced another bout, in the valley of my decision to call out the man in me. Instead of continuing to keep him silently skulking in the shadows of my psyche, I chose to free him…to be seen, outside. I thought it would have meant just a few rainy days, but instead it was a torrential downpour of microaggressions, projection, invalidation, and being emotionally sidelined.

At these formative points, where I was the most vulnerable, I was also more receptive to the inroads that manipulators and narcissists often take to latch onto me. It isn’t my fault that people can be deliberately unkind, unempathetic and selfish toward others. However, it IS my fault if I allow them to have access to my mind, body and emotions that they shouldn’t have.

No part of me could survive without disciplined boundaries…neither the man, nor the woman. I had to begin to ACT firmly, decisively and without doubt whenever I was confronted with manipulative tactics from others. I had to believe myself, my experience, and act accordingly.

I want to leave you with some resources if you feel like you have dealt with or are currently dealing with a narcissist. Firstly, let’s get a definition in place. There is a difference between pathological narcissism and people who are self-absorbed. It’s not the same. So, to be clear, I’m referring to someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.

If you feel like you are in a relationship with someone like that, these are resources that helped me -> Dr. Ramani on YouTube, and there is this book also, which is a short but brilliant read that works you through and out of it.

#janberry #fruitofdivine #writing #author #creativeprose #hybridhumans #hyxh #selflove #healing #knowthyself #lovingself #peace #joy #soul #spirit #soul #evolve #evolving #sexuality #spirituality #duality #theinsidestory #genderidentity #genderexpression #gender #masculinity #femininity

Spirit of the Dragonfly

The last thing to sell off is my face painting kit and as I sat thinking about it, something occurred to me. The spirit of the dragonfly…For 14 years I face painted at least 2-3 weekends every month. It was rough always being on the go but now I see how my work ethic and drive improved my character and life. . Metamorphosis is the key message of the dragonfly. They spend two years underwater in pupa stage feeding and breaking out of multiple exoskeletons. Then they emerge for a transformative process, where they break out of their very last shell and fly.

Everyday, for the last 3 weeks a dragonfly or two has come to me. I meditate with them and send them to and fro with messages. I accept them and the hope, change and love that they represent.

I am just so happy.

As I close in upon earthstrong 38, my wings are formed and I am happy.

I am happy with my life and where it is going. My wings are still strengthening but flight is near.

#dragonfly #dragonflyspiritguide #dragonflyenergy #metamorphosis #joy #love #change #prosperity

Focus

You know, it’s a funny thing that happened when I began truly loving myself. I was no longer as self-conscious. I stopped thinking about whether people will still like me if I did x or y. My mind became less occupied with pondering how I came across. . It freed me to be more ‘present’ when in the presence of others..able to see them, hear them…experience them so much more fully…it’s like I had a magnifying glass flipped sides.. . I enjoy the company if other people so much more than I used to…simply because I see more of them and less of myself. And in any event, you wont like me more or less than you might if I’m not present in your ‘presence’ so why be absent from such a precious gift…another beautiful human..

#selflove #beinginthenow #presence #personalgrowth #love

Little Bird

“You’ve changed little bird.” – Sandor Clegane

“Without Little Finger and Ramsey and all the rest, I would have stayed a little bird all my life.” – Sansa Stark
– Game of Thrones Season 8 Episode 4

I’ll not write a long diatribe about all the mean things I’ve had done to me in my life as they’re not the point of this post and they’re so negative anyway. I’m all for the good vibes only and I don’t have to give you bad stories to talk about the good growth they brought about.

The POINT of this post is how fiercely resolved, grateful and empathetic it’s all made me. Every painful or hurtful experience has helped me see myself more clearly. I may have reacted negatively myself. I may have dragged myself to the interaction because of unhealthy boundaries…ignoring red flags…saying “Yes” when I really needed to say “No”. In some cases, it had absolutely nothing to do with me. In those cases, my confidence and self love grew because I learnt to detach the bullshit people did to me from my value as a person. I learnt this important equation —> What people do to me IS NOT EQUAL TO my value.

I love that conversation between Clegane and Sansa so much. I’ve spent most of my life like Sansa in Season 1 of Game of Thrones: innocent and believing that people always had my best interest at heart. You know what though..all the people who broke my trusting heart made me better.

I remember reading two books back to back on becoming a bitch…who knew there were even books teaching you how to be a bitch?! But being a bitch for me meant being strong and being wise enough to set boundaries, obey red flags, say No and mean it and LOVE myself FIRST so that I could LOVE others in the most meaningful way, with my heart FULL instead of EMPTY.

Here’s to little birds flying out of the nest..the best is yet to come! 🦅🦅🦅

#gameofthroneslessons#gameofthrones #got #selflove#transformation #metamorphosis#digitalnomad #compassion #growth#intuition #empathy #love #freedom#healthyboundaries

The Bearing

Touli walked up to the door with a quirky smile and rapped once, rubbing her temple anxiously. Honey came to the door in a bronze leotard beaming with childlike pride.
“Did you get it?!”
“I did.”
“Well?”
“Sonziwe Lamak”
“What’s that?”
“That’s his name, and he will bear five seeds for us. Amit, Sult, Jaz, Dolf and Flunie.”
“Yes, but where is the flower?”
“She didn’t give it to me Honey. She said it’s in your belly.”
“Oho.”
Honey rubbed her belly and glared at Touli mischievously. Satisfaction spread across her smile as she made circles around her navel with her forefinger. Kneeling down, Touli kissed her at the center of the imaginary circle she’d been making, her finger stopping only to allow the interruption, then continuing.
“Honey, will they bloom in time?”
Honey placed her hand on Touli’s heart and listened with her hand for a while. The thud of her heart would quicken when it was time for the flowers to press through Honey’s navel. At the time of Bearing, an opening would appear at her navel through which they could remove the poui.
“This is confusing at first isn’t it?!”
“Yes.”

Honey had birthed the poui before and could bear it alone but wanted to find a way to share the experience with Touli. Ma Belle, the village pundit, knew about these things so she sent Touli to her.

Ten miles and countless footsteps later, she entered Ma Belle’s yard, an unfenced property, clean as ever, with a front porch that seemed larger than the house it wrapped around. Seeing her approach, Ma Belle curtly put her hands up signalling her to stop and called her name. “Touli! “Your desires will be pronounced and impregnated.” Shocked into silence, Touli stared blankly at her, until she waved her hand dismissively, motioning that Touli should leave.

As Touli walked away she shouted after her, telling her the name of the poui, those of the five seed it would bear and announcing that Honey had already conceived.

“Could I not have saved myself this anti-climactic walk then?” Touli mumbled.

Back at the house, she and Honey waited the three long weeks as the poui bloomed. Honey seemed to be blossoming as well – becoming more transparent and compassionate in this Bearing…her third. On the Day of Expectation, Touli scented her with extracted poui musk and they sat side by side facing the open window, allowing the sun and breeze to freely filter through. The uneven and erratic heartbeat that Touli had grown accustomed to was now a wild thumping, so she laid herself out on the floor in front of Honey, cold sweating and nauseous.

Honey’s eyes were closed and she was trailing that circle again. The skin at her navel slowly pushed back farther and farther, as Touli stared up in silence. As it slowly revealed itself, Touli could see the flower inside a clear sac pressed against Honey’s insides.

“Honey?”
“Mmmm..” she drawled.
“It’s done.”

She opened her eyes and looked down, grabbing one of Touli’s forefingers and pressing it into the sac. Although firm, it popped with a slight ‘pffing’ sound, and once the air got inside, wilted away.

Honey looked at the poui and smiled “Yes, it’s done.”

– janberry

(A short story reimagining the origins of the Poui, inspired by poui season.)